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To all the single classy woman out there
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340 Views
12/26/08
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**The Geography Of A Woman
? Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half
wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
? Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open
to trade, especially for someone with cash.
? Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
? Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.
? Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious
and all conquering past.
? Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and
doesn't make the same mist akes twice, takes care of business.
? Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open
to meeting new people.
? After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious
past and the wisdom of the ages ... only those with an adventurous
spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
**The Geography Of A Man
? Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran , ruled by nuts....
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The Christmas Dolly
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258 Views
12/16/08
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This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first place.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on a pair of sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart.
If you have never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "Your kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "Doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had him VERY happy, but had the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sause through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of the thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
I can't wait until next Christmas.
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Info on Uwharrie Nat Forest in NC
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25 Views
12/16/08
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Some friends and I are talking about going to Umharrie in Jan or Feb. for aprox 3 days and then heading to the Sand Hills State Forest in South Carolina for a couple days. Providing the weather cooperates.
Does anyone have any knowledge of these areas? Is the normal high about 50? Any recommendations on where to park? Areas to avoid? Any other recommendations on places to go that are within approx 10 hours driving time from southcentral PA
Thanks
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