Equestrian Blogs > 4beatgirl's blogs > The Christmas Dolly

The Christmas Dolly

Sort by:
Author
Members Only

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first place. As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on a pair of sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. If you have never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "Your kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "Doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had him VERY happy, but had the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for a traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sause through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of the thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. I can't wait until next Christmas.

Posted on Dec 16, 2008 at 05:40 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

whoa. I lost my star! Where did it go??? You will not see this until tommorrow...but, I am looking for my star. In the meantime, here is an angel for the girls...

Members Only
Posted on Jan 04, 2009 at 03:01 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

So Woody got a couple of dolls for Christmas?¿ Well you ought to see the boy toys that Santa sent me.¿ Whoa Ho! ¿Sorry -¿ I'd send you pictures, but I haven't figured out how.¿ Anyway - I'm busy with my new toys!


Posted on Jan 03, 2009 at 06:44 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Woody,

What else did Santa bring You???


Members Only
Posted on Jan 01, 2009 at 03:10 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Woody,

That girl shouldn't squat with her spurs on . OUCH!!! New kinda tatoo.

This Dolly will have ta do till I get another one.

Star,

Your still seein "pretty colors?" Gotta be the eggnog


Members Only
Posted on Jan 01, 2009 at 08:10 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

How come I do not get all those pretty colors and fonts??????????

Members Only
Posted on Dec 31, 2008 at 08:24 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Merry Christmas - 4Beat!

Annie


Posted on Dec 24, 2008 at 07:44 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Looks like that Santa can "ride" pretty good.

And Star, you are seeing "pretty colors." What's your eggnog spiked with???


Members Only
Posted on Dec 24, 2008 at 04:24 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

4beat, LOL~ You have foudn some great photos! That horse is making me a little dizzy... The nice thing about these "Boys" is that we can take them with us anywhere. They never argue, they just keep on smiling... Now if you really want a cowboy Santa...Here is one for you.

Members Only
Posted on Dec 23, 2008 at 04:53 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Oh, Annie that is sooooo funny! Here is one for you.... Merry Christmas!

Members Only
Posted on Dec 23, 2008 at 04:51 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

I would never delete it!!!!!!!¿ I like your "warped" sense of humor!!!!!


Members Only
Posted on Dec 23, 2008 at 03:10 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

I'm sorry 4beat, but I couldn't resist posting this - I LMAO - I must have a warped sense of humor.¿ You won't hurt my feelings if you delete it.¿ Annie¿¿ :-D

There was these two old men sitting in one of the old mens house. They haven't had sex in 20 years... The first old man then said,"I have an idea...Lets go to the whore house and have sex with a young lady!" The other old man agreed and they went to the whore house and went to the lady up front and asked her for one woman each to have sex with.. The lady behind the counter thought,"well my girls are to good for these old mean,so I'll give them blow up dolls...They wont know the difference." So she gave them each a blow up doll and the old men thought they were real living girls.. They went to a room did their business and came out and went home.. On the way home the 1st old man said,"You know..when i was doing my business i think that girl was dead,she didnt say anything,move or anything..Just laid there" he looekd at the other old man and said,"what do you think?" The other old man looked at him and said,"I think mine was a witch.." the first old man asked,"Why you say that?" and the 2nd old man responded,"Because when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window."


Posted on Dec 22, 2008 at 08:15 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Quoting author:

Trailgaiter, Would you mind sharing that Santa? In fact, I will trade you these cowboys for him...


Hey Star, don't be giving away those cowboys.¿ They're suppose to be over at the party.¿ How'd they get over here??? Maybe they was lookin for Woody and his apple pie


Members Only
Posted on Dec 22, 2008 at 03:16 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

And Woody, I brought you another gift...HO HO HO.

Members Only
Posted on Dec 22, 2008 at 06:05 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Trailgaiter, Would you mind sharing that Santa? In fact, I will trade you these cowboys for him...

Members Only
Posted on Dec 22, 2008 at 06:03 AM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Quoting author: oh, 4beat. Nice saddle upper. What store did you find him at?

Wasn't Walmart While I was out, I found this fella for trailgaiter

Members Only
Posted on Dec 19, 2008 at 07:19 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Woody!!!!!!!!!!!! What are you doing now?

Members Only
Posted on Dec 19, 2008 at 07:18 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

Looks like Woody got himself all energized up. I finally found the answer to that age old question, Why do male elk have antlers?

Members Only
Posted on Dec 19, 2008 at 06:48 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

LOL! Woody. Well, I would say that any of us here on these blogs might be a little bit "outside the box" of what many would consider normal. Come to think of it, I do not think I would want to be normal. That would be sooo much work.

Members Only
Posted on Dec 19, 2008 at 02:58 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report
Members Only

oh, 4beat. Nice saddle upper. What store did you find him at?

Members Only
Posted on Dec 19, 2008 at 02:56 PM Like Reply / Add Comments Quote Report